Drowning in Darkness

8 Feb

I need to feel happy today. I want to smile but I simply can’t.

Alphonse tipped over our dining room table yesterday at noon, smashing its glass to bits. The antique table is damaged, with shards of glass embedded deep into the grain of the wood. I hope we can salvage it; this dining table has been in my family since I was five; it was a gift from my parents when I moved away. The glass of the small china cabinet in the dining room was also smashed but the cabinet is intact. Then last night, annoyed at some slight, he threw our dish drainer to the floor, breaking several pieces of Corelle glassware and A’s latest gift to me- my new, barely week-old, twice-used Kimmidoll mug. Even the melamine dishes were not spared, as the violence of his action pulverized some pieces to smithereens.

Today, as soon as he woke up, it was a cycle of nonstop anger and smashing of things again. He upended shelves and tossed the pictures on his schoolhouse wall. He’s very angry and we don’t know why. He cries a lot and we don’t have a clue to what is going on inside his head. It’s very hard to predict Alphonse’s moods. One minute he can be quiet and meek, the next he will get into such a tornado of fury that nothing can stop the force of his explosive anger.

I admit to having shed some tears, not at the loss of these material possessions, but at my inability to understand Alphonse these days. I called A from work yesterday at noon; he went home to help with Alphonse while I cleaned up all the glass scattered inside the house. And then we went for a ride and he let me cry for a while in the car. I promised myself  when this all started that I will not cry, that I will force myself to be stronger this time, but if I don’t, I know I will die of a broken heart. Our house is in shambles; our lives are in disarray. It makes me feel so helpless when Alphonse gets these rages. My husband comforts me by reminding me that Alphonse listens to me most of all, but how can that be anything than a trifling consolation when there are still many moments when I can’t reach him or get through to him?

We are slowly drowning again. Oh, God, please help us.

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10 Responses to “Drowning in Darkness”

  1. Just A Friend February 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    My prayers are with you… I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

  2. Candy February 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    Oh my, this is a real tough patch you’re going through. Our prayers are with you also that you will find light again…. and soon!

  3. Julie February 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    virtual hugs to you dear, ok lang to shed tears.

  4. Lyra February 8, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    I wish I could lend a hand. Hugs.

  5. geri February 10, 2011 at 3:55 am #

    hugs Kitty Mama. You are a strong person. I don’t know how you can do the things you do for your son and I have admired you for it. Allow yourself to cry – you are certainly entitled to it but it doesn’t make you less of a strong person.

  6. Indiana Lori February 10, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    I will never forget your post of the night he begged you to come to bed and snuggled between you and held both your hands. God has called you to care for such a fragile lamb…it’s an unreal duty. My prayers and thoughts travel around the world to you tonight. Please God, please. Let the light shine on this path.

    My hopes to you, Lori

  7. Pinay Megamom February 10, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Dear KittyMama,
    I am constantly praying for Alphonse and his well-being, as I am praying for yours. God calls the best of us to show His goodness and He will not put us through these tests unless He knows we are capable. If He gives you a challenge, it’s because He has also given you the strength, will, passion and most importantly, grace to deal with it. And I know, I just know, that He will enlighten you with an answer to your questions. Just don’t lose hope. I also know He has given you as much.
    Love always your friend,
    Pinay MegaMom

  8. S February 11, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    Many hugs and wishes to you and your family.
    Kittymama, has Alphonse just gone through a growth spurt? Is he done with the turmoil and changes of adolescence? Has he recovered fully from his recent illness, or does he have some remaining pain or infection somewhere?
    All these things are challenging even for typical children. If this rough patch is related to Alphonse’s growth and development, then one day he will mature out of it. If related to illness, then maybe he is trying to communicate his discomfort to you in this way.
    I have recently left comments/questions on your 24 Jan post, and another more recent post.
    All the best for you all to move through this passing cloud as quickly as possible. S

    • Kittymama February 12, 2011 at 6:12 am #

      He’s 16, so he’s still going through adolescent changes. I’ve read about “cycles of rage” in adolescence secondary to the sudden increase in testosterone, but this feels like something more. I won’t discount the importance of adolescent changes as contributory to his behavioral changes, but he’s been very manageable since he was 12, so this is indeed surprising.
      He got sick with dengue hemorrhagic fever in December; since then, we’ve noticed the gradual deterioration of his behavior. We initially attributed it to some sort of traumatic stress after his hospital confinement, plus the absence of his teachers, who went on holiday leave. Unfortunately, in January, both my sons got sick again. Alphonse had a sore throat at first, which evolved into colds and chesty coughs. He was prescribed Augmentin (Co-Amoxiclav) for 7 days. The sudden escalation of aggression happened while we were gone. It could be that our temporary separation brought on more emotional stress but it could also be that this new illness brought havoc to his immune system again. I’m overloaded with information as it is and still undecided where to go. I hope and I pray that this cloud over us passes quickly, for all our sakes.

  9. leira February 14, 2011 at 12:56 am #

    oh mare!!! I just wanted to let you that i’ve been thinking about you and that you and your family will always be in my prayers… Cry it out when you need to.. Love and Hugs Mare!!!

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