Fat Woman Changing

10 Dec

Three things happened to me in the year I turned 50.

One, I lost all our temporary help in the household. Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise despite the many difficulties it presented, but that is another story for another day.

Two, I lost my hair. For some reason, my hair started falling out in clumps early this year. I was losing so much hair every single day I decided to have my locks cut off into a shorter style. For the first time in a long while, I have above-the-shoulder length hair. I miss my long hair, but I love the ease and comfort of this new wash-and-wear style.

Three, I lost my “body.” Rewrite that to say I lost some heft, emphasis on some and not all of it yet. This is the story of how that came to be.

In February of this year, I got a complete medical check-up courtesy of my HMO. My husband had to make the appointments for me and he badgered me to keep them. The truth was, I was a little hesitant because I knew I had gained even more weight since my last physical. Also, I hate weigh-ins with a passion. I dodged my doctor’s receptionist every time she called me in for a weigh-in. I would run to the bathroom and hide until my turn at the clinic came up. Then too, at the back of my mind, I was worried that there would be some significant changes in my state of health as I had been experiencing more and more health issues of late.

As expected, some of the results came back on the wrong side of normal. Moreover, I was surprised to find that I had tipped the scales at an all-time high. I had to slyly convince the nurse to shave off 3 kilos from my listed weight by claiming that my jeans, oversized shirt, sweater, and thick socks made up those excess 3 kilos. I was fooling myself, of course, because the weighing scale at home (which I had deftly kicked out of sight under my son’s bed) confirmed this astonishing figure. I guess when you’re with a roomful of people ogling at the weighing scale, your dignity takes a dive when the scales tell you you’re the fattest person in the room and everyone knows it.

So there. I am fat. I’ve always been fat. Even when I wasn’t at my heaviest, I was still bigger and fatter than most girls- and boys- my age. When I was younger, I dieted and exercised myself to injury, losing big patches of my hair due to nutritional deficiency and hurting my back for more than year from over-exertion. I never stayed thin for long, though, and the weight rebounded fast and furiously. It didn’t help that in my youth, the boys I liked all preferred me to be thinner. I starved for one boy, literally, eating nothing but lettuce for weeks. He dumped me later for a thin girl. (What a jerk, right?) Another young man I really liked told me “you have everything I want in a girl, except that you’re fat.” That one, he broke my heart.

When A❤️ came along, he didn’t care whether I was fat or thin. He loved me the way I was, period. The pounds piled on more each year, yet it didn’t seem to faze him. With his encouragement, I learned to love myself the way I was, to be comfortable in my own skin and fat, and accept that I could never ever fit into society’s norms of thinness.

Everything in excess, however, takes its toll, and up till a certain weight, I was still active and healthy. The problem began last year when I began getting sicker and weaker. I caught a bug that evolved into a nasty pneumonia. I developed asthma, with painful bouts of air hunger. My knees ached all the time; my back hurt like crazy. My blood sugar hovered precariously in the prediabetic range. My blood pressure seesawed dangerously. I knew it was time to take control of my life again.

I didn’t want to announce this lest I jinx my progress. Besides, I’ve talked about losing weight so many times over the years that I was afraid people would not believe me anymore. Talk about feeling like the boy who cried wolf. Also, to talk about it would be to commit to it with finality and I wasn’t so sure I was ready to commit to it in the early days. Now, I am.

So here I am, telling you and everyone else who’d care to listen that I have lost 21 kilos in the last few months. That’s 46.2 pounds in the English Imperial system. I wore sizes 24 to 26 in the plus size section three months ago, now I fit into a pair of size 18 jeans. Whoa! I haven’t fit in a size 18 in 14 years!

I am still fat, true, and I have quite a way to go. But knowing what I know now- that I can be healthy and “thin” by changing my mindset and way of eating- I am pretty confident that the next time I step on the scales and people ogle at my numbers, I would no longer get that urge to burrow my head in the sand. I look back at that day in February, thinking of how I invented all kinds of excuses to justify my weight- perhaps my shoes were too heavy?– and I smile at the memory. My husband bought me a new weighing scale recently and I have it front and center in the living room. We’ve gotten quite close, really, and I no longer kick it under the couch. 😜

Here’s to this fat woman, and may she never tire of changing.

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8 Responses to “Fat Woman Changing”

  1. michelle December 11, 2017 at 4:15 am #

    you are such an inspiration mommy pinky! 🙂 keep it up! i am so happy to hear that things are turning out well and positive specially with regards to health! 🙂
    plus it’s such a confidence booster too! i have been caving inside my home for quite a few months now because of so much weight i have gained but your story made me feel like i can do it too… 🙂

    looking forward to one day facing my weighing scale once more :)))
    God Bless!! i miss you 🙂

    • Kittymama December 23, 2017 at 5:25 pm #

      Michelle, of course you can do it! You are young, beautiful, smart and no matter what weight you are in, you will always be all that. Now, if this old woman can manage to do it (and I’m still doing it, slowly but surely), then I have absolutely no doubt that you can do the same. And even if it takes a while, don’t sweat it! You’re one of the most vivacious young women I know so don’t lock yourself up from the world. Go, girl! 😍

  2. Bubi December 11, 2017 at 12:16 pm #

    As long as I’ve known you, your beauty has always been way beyond your physique. I don’t mean to feign blindness but I’ve never thought of you as a ‘fat person’. Being a physician however I do implore you to take care of yourself. The world is not ready to lose such a beautiful person.

    • Kittymama December 23, 2017 at 5:18 pm #

      I’m so happy you found your way here, Bubi. Thank you for your kind words; they mean a lot to me. 😍 Promise, I’ll take better care of myself. I have to do it not only for myself, but for those who love and need me to be around for a longer time. I’m grateful for your friendship always, Bubi.

  3. laserdeguzman@yahoo.com December 11, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

    Very inspiring story mommy P. :’) I can still remember this year pushing myself to hard going to gym everynight after work pushing to work out too hard that I’ve almost get myself a hernia. So I stopped going to gym and enjoyed eating na lang and my body got back to it’s old self state. Nakakaloka po talaga at mabuti ay hindi po ako naoperahan. Lol :’D

    • Kittymama December 23, 2017 at 5:15 pm #

      Naku, you have to be really careful not to push your body beyond its limits. Glad you were able to recover from that, anak. But you can make changes by making good food choices and you’ll still see results. In the meantime, enjoy the holidays, have fun, eat, and take care always!

  4. Janine December 11, 2017 at 11:02 pm #

    Kakaiyak yung story mo. I wish you success in your journey towards better health. Let me know if I can help you more.

    • Kittymama December 21, 2017 at 10:23 am #

      I would appreciate the help, thank you so much, Janine! 😍

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